darkness is as light to You.

I’ve been sick.

And I’ve never felt better about life.  Don’t you love it when that happens?? I’m practically snotting it 24/7 yet I feel free as a bird.  Free from so many things, including myself.  Ahgg I am so blessed.  Answered prayers, so many of them!! I feel like climbing to the top of empire state.  And looking over this city and saying that I’m HERE!! Finally.  I’ve just been exploring so much, and that is SO good for me.  Just trekking up to the north end of the park, places I’ve never been.  I walk past so many fire escapes and I just have the urge to leap on up there, pull down the ladder, and run up to the roof like it’s my job, I’m looking UP to my creator, so thankful for his unconditional love.  I am so content with Him right now, and that is so satisfying to my soul, frees me of the rest of the world. Drink deeply and flow freely, that’s just about it!

Grace

I think one of the hardest things to do in our existence is to have grace, and forgive.  Just recently I have found out a lot of really evil, deceptive and painful things that were purposefully not told to me, and after giving as much grace I thought I was capable of giving, God is asking me to give more.  And it is so incredibly unfathomably hard.  I have so much hate and anger in my soul right now and I despise that, because I never ever want to feel this way about anyone but based on the circumstances, it is next to impossible not to initially react with such human responses.  I have been lied to, used for selfish ambition, and my heart has just been treated as a childish toy.  And just when I thought it would end, my faith is being tested harder than ever during the past 48 hours because I am going to have to forgive someone for doing things I could not even fathom.  My heart is so big because my God has made it so, and call me naive but I assume the best in people who are followers of Jesus because they can do all things through Him.  And it is so disappointing to be let down in that assumption, which I will continually hold as hopeful and sound.  Hope is not naive.  If it is then we live in a hedonistic world - which to me is completely impossible because existence is so invigorating, and if you don’t see that you are blind.  High risk, high reward.  I never want to feel this angry, it makes me want to weep.  So much dishonesty and manipulation, things I would never want to burden upon anyone ever.  Yet my God still asks for grace and forgiveness.  And how strikingly beautiful and countercultural is that?  This generation is addicted to more of different, rather than more of the same.  So take that, that is as different as different gets.  Because it is redemptive.  Embrace that, folks, embrace that kind of love.

Redemption

Laura Marling’s new album, A Creature I Don’t Know, is just, um, in every way, every single way, a dream.  I can tell she has done a lot of healing these past couple years in that this album is a lot more open to the idea of God than her last one was, and I LOVED her last album.  It was so real, her perspective is so freaking authentic - SO human.  This new album is her coming to a lot of realizations about her beliefs, and shows so much more hope in her songs than in her previous albums.  I DON’T KNOW WHY SHE IS NOT TAKING OVER THE WORLD WITH HER SONG.  She is one of the most talented musicians I’ve ever seen, and carries herself with such grace. I am quite speechless when I actually talk about her because I don’t know what to say, I’m floored. I saw her in real life last Wednesday, after following her music for 6 years.  Talk about dreams coming true.

Stamp

I don’t know what it is about lately, but I have this incredible desire to go.  I know fully that I am in an incredible place very foreign to me, but I just want to be completely alive.  I want to soak in every ounce of my existence so that I won’t forget a single day of it.  I get scared when I think about how that’s not possible, because I love existence.  I’ve been praying a lot asking God to just help me be absolutely present in the moment I am in.  I just want to learn from everything. It’s strange sometimes, since I’ve been meeting up with a lot of new people and thankfully making incredible new friendships, I find myself treating really special encounters with people as “checklist” meetings.  That I am saying the things I’m saying systematically when my mind is not engaging.  I treat the meeting itself as the only aspect of importance.  Why do I do that? I know why.  Because this city is a sneaky influence, everyone takes advantage of relationships to further their career.  Not even joking.  Everything is so go-go-go that beautiful times with people become rushes we get from a challenging schedule add-in - it gives us the feeling that we can do anything and that we are good enough because we had lunch with someone who we lost contact with and managed to spend a couple hours with when your day consisted of 5 hours of work, 3 classes, and a 4 mile run.  Whew, I just am frustrated with that so much.  I just want to sit with people and love them, hear what is on their heart, and have deep meaningful relationships where we can manage to have the best night ever just laughing and baking in my apartment.  Praise God that I have some wonderful women I can do that with.  
Stemming from this, I applied to go to Prague for next semester. And if all goes according to plan (my hopeful plan), Dublin next year.  It’s the same cost of tuition so it is basically like going to school here, but the cost of living is actually cheaper over there.  This world is ACTUALLY REAL. I don’t even know what to make of the reality of it all.  It sucks to live in a city where everyone on the street has this mentality that everyone will always be a stranger, so what is the point? God has just been putting the world on my heart immensely, I go to bed every night just dreaming about traveling to the ends of the earth.  So I’m going to go.  Might move somewhere after college too, I don’t know, move to Israel, Egypt, Greece, that would be my ultimate dream.  In the words of Susan Hayward, in her own imprisoned state, I Want to Live!  

I also need to stop watching Law and Order SVU because I keep having these crazy dreams, every night for the past week, of people I know - friends actually - becoming serial killers.  Serious issues in my cranium.

I’m going to Prague.  I’M GOING TO PRAGUE. WHATTT??? 

Pictures like this scare me half to death because the fact that this exists floors me.  I don’t know how I should react if I end up there somehow by some incredible stroke of luck. dearscience: (by (((∆))))

Pictures like this scare me half to death because the fact that this exists floors me.  I don’t know how I should react if I end up there somehow by some incredible stroke of luck.

dearscience:

(by (((∆))))

(via 7licornes)

I think this is ultimately the place I would like to live in forever.

I think this is ultimately the place I would like to live in forever.

(via 7licornes)